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Limerence

 

 

 

 

By Michael Lombardi

 

© 2012, U.S. Copyright Office



Characters:

 

 

Dickson Coxswain

 

Wally Coxswain

 

Isadora Montgomery

 

Esther Watkins

 

Francine Melvin

 

Jahnavi Perkins

 

Bobby Patterson



Act I.

Scene 1. Home from Work.

 

Scene 2. Wally’s BF.

 

Scene 3. The Pregame.


Act II.

 

Scene 4. Cocktail Party at the Coxswains’.

 

Scene 5. Back Inside.

 

Scene 6. Fight at the Club.


 

Scene 1: Home from Work.

The setting is an apartment in an urban area, the location really isn’t significant, other than it takes place in a modernized metropolis, most definitely a grey cement and red brick building against an initial purple twilight sky and yellow full moon. The action could take place in Boston, New York, Chicago, Philadelphia or any or other highly populated area in the Northeast Corridor of the United States. The capricious climate anyway is alternatively cold in the wintertime where there is snow, and alternatively very hot in the summertime creating a certain anxiety of the seasons. The play takes place in the wintertime. It’s Friday night in the very early part of the second decade of the twenty second century. There is a lot of traffic noise outside the living quarters, where somewhere amongst the confusion and anarchy of this heavy populated area, exists the home of two brothers.

Dickson, a publisher, and Wally, an Information Technology Specialist, have been living with each other for a few years now. They are both Coxswains. There is a bit of significance and pride that goes with their family name that they seem to feel as though they are disappointing. House left is a balcony overlooking the city, and there is a door leading out to it. This is a favorite place that Wally’s friends like to come and hangout. Isadora Montgomery is Wally’s best friend, and then there is a group that always seems to be together. They are a part of an inseparable heterogeneous bawdy trio: Esther Watkins, Francine Melvin, and Jahnavi Perkins. The last character in the play is a man, Bobby Patterson, at the club.

All the characters in the play are socially upward mobile professionals that somehow found a sedimentary settlement in the ocean of people that exist in their city in a dreadful complacency in the folly of their ambitions. Their status is just that, and therefore their behavior is indicative of the inevitable frustration that results, in other words they all imagine that their lives should somehow be more than what they are currently. In the middle of the stage is Dickson’s computer that sits on a capacious wooden desk. This is the centerpiece of the stage, because it is here where Dickson’s “limerence” originates.

The “limerence” is an obsessive like crush, an infatuation that is based most often on a complete projected idealized fiction, and usually not based on the real person themselves. It is a part of the human experience, and has been around sense people started believing in Aphrodite, or that Cupid shot arrows into unsuspecting victims, or even love potions made people fall in love with the first person they laid eyes on. Real love of course is hoping the best for the loved one even when it doesn’t involve them in the plan, real love never demands reciprocation.

The computer is a symbol in the play, displaying in very large exaggerated lettering “Facebook,” which although ironically with the characters “iPhones” or “BlackBerrys” are supposed to enhance communication, actually deter it and in fact enhance the same mistaken identity and uncertainty of gender in the world before the internet where love was often a cause of suffering. Just house left of this is a kitchen with Dickson’s liquor cabinet, and just house left of that is an exit to Wally’s bedroom. House right of the desk is an exit to Dickson’s bedroom. House right of this is a door leading to the outside of the building. Outside there are nightclubs that play loud music. The play is a comedy written as a contemporary version of the ancient Greek tradition with colloquial diction. At the opening of the first scene Dickson is wearing all black and Wally is wearing black pants and a blue shirt.

Dickson: Another week is done.

Wally: Yes, and you know what that means. It’s the weekend!

Dickson: Great! Another Friday night, and all I have to do is sit around this apartment, and imagine what it would be like if I was out having a great time.

Wally: What’s the matter? You always get like this. It’s TGIF! Time to go out to the club, I’m going out tonight, would you like to come?

Dickson: I really don’t feel like going out to a gay club with you Wally.

Wally: Why not? You don’t like getting hit on by other men.

Dickson: (Irritated.) No!

Wally: Oh, I see. (Pause.) So you’re not going to accompany your brother to the club.

Dickson: No, I went with you last month, and some guy tried to grab my “frickin” sack!

Wally: (Taken back.) Well, I’m sorry that you didn’t have a good time. You could have fooled me. You were starring all night at this lesbian couple making out, drinking your glass of Kentucky Straight Bourbon with little ice cubes. It seemed you were having a good time to me Dickson! (Pause.) I know, I know, it must be hard for you to accompany your gay brother to the club- the club that homosexuals go to. Why don’t you go to a straight club?

Dickson: No, it’ll be a waste of money. (He takes out a pack of menthol cough drops, and takes one.)

Wally: I’ll come with you. What’s the matter? You don’t feel in the weekend spirit? Are you eating cough drops as candies again?

Dickson: Wally, no I don’t feel like it. And what’s wrong with liking cough drops?

Wally: Nothing I suppose. Then you can make yourself useful, and help me pick out an outfit; I want to look really smashing.

Dickson: Sure, why not, it’ll give me something to do, so I won’t be bored.

Wally: I want to look good.

Dickson: I’m sure whatever you pick out, you’ll look fine.

Wally: I just want to be sure. Okay, I’ll go into my room and come out in something, and you tell me what you think, okay Dickson.

Dickson: Sure, whatever.

(Wally runs into his room.)

Dickson: (He stands up and looks out the window; talking to himself now.) So this is what it’s come down to. I’m nearing the end of my twenties, and it’s all downhill from here, living with my gay brother in this apartment. I always thought I’d be further along in life by now. I’m stuck in this dead end job, working as an editor. I still haven’t made my fortune, my car sucks, and I’m practically broke. You know I heard on the forecast that it might snow tonight.

Wally: It looks clear now to me. In fact, you can see the moon on the horizon, despite the fact that the sun hasn’t set quite yet. I hope it does snow. It’s February, and it won’t be winter for much longer.

(Wally comes out with a new white undershirt shirt on. It’s noticeable snug.)

Dickson: (Pejoratively.) You gays always seem to wear everything too tight.

Wally: (Absolutely astonished.) What do you mean? (Showing off his attire.) Cloths should fit snuggly to your body, slim fit. This way you can show off your sexy figure.

Dickson: (In censure.) Yeah, but not so that your torso and limps are strangled.

Wally: I don’t know what you’re talking about. So often you straight people do not wear flattering cloths at all. I’m only telling you this because you’re my brother. You have a lot to live up too. You have to live up to the Coxswain family name. Yes, all of us Coxswains are good looking, and have a good fashion sensibility.

Dickson: Then why do you need my help to pick out your cloths to go clubbing, if you have all the answers?

Wally: Precisely because you are a Coxswain! I need to make sure I look good.

Dickson: Because we’re Coxwains?

Wally: Yes Dickson, I thought you’d understand.

Dickson: Honestly I think the shirt is too “frickin” tight.

Wally: (Now looking hurt. He sits down, definitely looking down in spirits like air that has just been deflated from a balloon.) This is terrible, just terrible really. Now I have no idea what I’m going to wear out tonight. It just figures as much.

Dickson: Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin your night. I just think the shirt is a little tight.

Wally: I like my cloths tight when I go out. I want them to show off my muscles. Look at my muscles. I’m not in the shape that I should be in, but still not bad huh?

Dickson: You look good.

Wally: (Looking slightly better.) You really mean it?

Dickson: Yes.

Wally: I haven’t been hitting the gym as much as I should, but I seem to have maintained a lot of my muscle mass.

Dickson: You want to have big muscles?

Wally: Yes. That’s what other men find attractive.

Dickson: So that’s what women also find attractive, big muscles?

Wally: Oh yes. The attractive women that I know have the same taste in men as me, and that’s men built with some meat on their bones.

Dickson: You also always seem to go for men with short hair?

Wally: Long hair on men doesn’t look masculine.

Dickson: Now that doesn’t seem to make any sense to me. Why then do all the women scream at rock stars? Don’t they have long hair? And they’re really skinny too; they certainly don’t have big muscles.

Wally: That’s because they’re famous.

Dickson: Puzzling.

Wally: Well that and because they’re rich.

Dickson: Okay, apart from being rich and famous, women like men that have big muscles and have a short haircut.

Wally: The women that I know.

Dickson: (In a moment of epiphany, now reaching ratiocination.) So that’s it! It all seems to make sense now.

Wally: Everything except what I’m going to wear tonight.

Dickson: Do you have anything else, perhaps snug, but not that snug.

(Getting up and walking back towards his room.)

Wally: Come to think of it, sure I do. Let me go and try it on, and you can give your opinion.

Dickson: Okay.

(Wally once again disappears into his room.)

Dickson: (With the illumination of enlightenment.) So women don’t like long hair or skinny guys, they like guys with short hair that look like WWE wrestlers. (A little louder now, directed towards Wally’s room.) Hey Wally, there are good things that come with having a gay brother. I get the inside scoop on what women find attractive in men.

Wally: (Peaking his head out.) Yeah, now you’re on to something man. That’s what most of the attractive women like that I hang out with anyway, and they normally have the same tastes as me. (He pops back into his room to finish changing.)

Dickson: Oh you meant your fag hags!

Wally: (Popping his head back out from his room’s door.) If you’re referring to the entourage of attractive women that I hang out with, than yes, those are my fag hags- my bitches.

Dickson: You gay guys are always around really beautiful women.

Wally: (He comes out again in the same cloths not having had time to change.) That’s because they don’t see us as a threat Dickson. You see, it’s hard for women to have straight men as friends, because you guys are always trying to get with them. That makes them anxious.

Dickson: So you’re one of their accessories like their cell phone, handbag, or makeup case.

Wally: Right.

Dickson: Does in it make you feel bad that they’re just using you?

Wally: (Now irritated.) You know you’ve got a bad attitude!

Dickson: Well I was just saying.

Wally: Of course I know that they’re just using me. I’m just using them as well. They use me as an accessory of sort like you said, and I use them too.

Dickson: You do?

Wally: They help me attract hot men.

Dickson: So you guys aren’t really friends at all. You just use each other. That’s not friendship. You guys are really shallow, you know that.

Wally: You’re just jealous, because you don’t have any friends.

Dickson: Jealous, jealous of what? (Pause.) Okay you’re right. I’m jealous. When you go out with ten beautiful women, most men would call that paradise, a straight man’s paradise. Then you hug them, get away with touching their boobs, and even get to snuggle and sleep with them.

Wally: These women that you find attractive are human beings. And you say I’m the shallow one! Besides, we gays don’t cause any threat.

Dickson: Threat?

Wally: We don’t cause any need for alarm.

Dickson: You son of a bitch.

Wally: Don’t be mad. Hey are you going to let me try on another outfit or what?

Dickson: Sure, sure. Go ahead.

Wally: Thank you.

(Wally goes back into his room to change.)

Dickson: I don’t believe this. So this is my fate, to watch my brother go out with all of these beautiful women, this is cruel. He’s surrounded in a candy store, but doesn’t like sugar.

(Wally comes out in a shirt that’s not so snug, but is bright pink.)

Wally: Stop! No, no, you’re right! I don’t like sugar. It goes straight to your belly. Lean protein, whole wheat carbohydrates, and natural fats are what you need for a good bodybuilding diet.

Dickson: I see.

Wally: Well, how do you like this outfit?

Dickson: You look like a flaming homosexual!

Wally: Great. Than this is the one. You know pink was a color of masculinity in ancient Greece. Back then, we homosexual men were respected more than we are today.

Dickson: You’re right; in ancient Greece you were okay if you were anything, but a woman.

Wally: Yeah, women didn’t make out too well back then.

Dickson: Women don’t make out too well now either. We had our first black president before we had our first woman president.

Wally: And do you think that’s because woman are less qualified?

Dickson: No, a woman would make just as good of a president as a man, however we live in a male dominated society.

Wally: It doesn’t seem as things have changed that much then.

Dickson: Well they’ve definitely changed in some ways.

Wally: (He sits down.) So tell me Dickson, why don’t you want to go out tonight? Why are you not happy that it’s the weekend? You look so gloomy.

Dickson: It all seems like a waste of time.

Wally: Nothing is wrong at work, is it?

Dickson: Work is fine. It’s the same as it usually is. I have a massive amount of editing to do for new books that come out. You know, you’d think that working for a publishing house; it would be so exciting, editing the new works of bestselling authors, meeting them…

Wally: (Interrupting him.) You mean drinking the finest Woodford Reserve Kentucky Straight Bourbon decorated with a mint in the glass, next to a lightly kindled fireplace, on a fine pair of decorative side quilted leather arm chairs, smoking cigars, and laughing about the suckers who bought into the American Dream?

Dickson: No, my job is nothing like that. It’s boring and tedious.

Wally: Dickson that’s how all jobs are. That’s why they are called jobs, and not fun time.

Dickson: No, you have no idea. My eyes are going blind from looking at thirteen digit ISBN numbers. The books we edit aren’t exciting avant-garde new works trying to make their way into the cannon of English literature, but they’re mostly workbooks on how to teach people English from other countries.

Wally: The International Standard Book Number used to only be nine digits. It was created by Gordon Foster at Trinity College in Dublin in nineteen sixty-six as a unique numeric commercial book identifier.

Dickson: Yes, I know.

Wally: Teaching literacy to the world is a very noble profession.

Dickson: Huh, I know it is. It just can be monotonous at times.

Wally: I think your bitching.

Dickson: Oh, so you’re never bored at work Wally? You never get tired of working on those computers at your IT job.

Wally: It’s okay. I work for the weekend, plus the pay is descent, I make more than you anyway.

Dickson: Shut up! Stop rubbing it in.

Wally: I know what your problem is; you haven’t gotten laid in a while.

Dickson: Nice, way to kick a guy when he’s down, but yes, unfortunately you’re right.

Wally: How do you expect to get any action if you don’t go out?

Dickson: I’m tired, tired of going out, getting nowhere with the women that I talk to, and then ending up just getting drunk, and puking out my guts the way home.

Wally: You really shouldn’t drink so much.

Dickson: Anyway, that’s about the extent of it. I go out and I see these fat ass douche bags with these really beautiful women.

Wally: Well they must have money.

Dickson: No, I saw this guy with this really beautiful woman, and I thought the same thing, until I saw him getting into this fifteen year old green Ford Explorer.

Wally: He must support her crack habit.

Dickson: No, I just don’t get it. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.

Wally: Hmm, I know a solution to this.

Dickson: And what’s that?

Wally: Facebook!

Dickson: What?

Wally: What you’ve never tried it?

Dickson: No.

Wally: Oh come on man, yeah you have! You’re lying.

Dickson: No, no I have never used Facebook.

Wally: No, you haven’t. I really believe you this time.

Dickson: Okay then.

(Wally walks over to the computer.)

Wally: Wwwwohhhh we have to get you set up.

Dickson: I’m not interested.

Wally: (Furiously typing.) Yes you are!

Dickson: Okay, okay I’ll try it.

Wally: You’ll love Facebook, it’s for connecting with friends, but also can be used for dating. Alright, we need a profile picture.

Dickson: Just use the one that I use for my LinkedIn account.

Wally: That will never work Dickson. We need a photo that’s going to get you attention.

Dickson: (Shaking his head back and forth.) You’re nuts!

Wally: Dickson, Dickson, do you want to get women or not?

Dickson: Yes I want to get women.

Wally: Then you must already know as we already discussed that myself being a homosexual, I know what women find attractive. Now rip off your shirt!

Dickson: Excuse me.

Wally: (Turning away.) No, no, no, I don’t have time for this. I’m leaving you to your sorrow.

Dickson: Okay. Stop! What do you want me to do?

Wally: I want to drop and give me twenty.

(Dickson drops and does twenty pushups.)

Wally: See we need your muscles pumped man!

Dickson: (Out of breath.) Yeah. Okay Wally.

Wally: Let’s get the blood pumping into those veins!

Dickson: Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. There, I’m finished.

Wally: Now give me twenty sit ups!

Dickson: (In disgust.) Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.

Wally: Do it!

(Dickson starts doing sit ups.)

Dickson: Okay, okay.

Wally: That’s better. Now we’ve got to get your abs popping!

Dickson: If you say so.

Wally: Now think of your abs flexing into a six pack!

Dickson: Twenty! That’s it. I did what you said.

Wally: Okay now rip off your shirt.

Dickson: Are you kidding me.

Wally: I’ll get the camera.

(Dickson takes off his shirt and Wally goes and grabs the camera.)

Dickson: I don’t see how this…

Wally: (Very dignified.) You look good Dickson. You are a Coxswain. Despite your lack of going to the gym, and your constant whiskey drinking, you still look good. After all, we can always Photoshop these shots later.

Dickson: Well then if I get a woman in bed, she’ll distinctly notice that I’m not in as good of shape as the photo she saw from my profile pic.

Wally: That’s why you must liquor her up! Oh, and don’t forget to use contraception, at least a condom and spermicide, we wouldn’t want any little Dicksons running around without you ready to support them. You might want to slip her a Plan-B as well. If you start dating her they have a birth control shot they can give her at the doctor. (Pause.) Now flex!

(Dickson flexes as hard as he can.)

Dickson: (Very tensely.) Is thissssssss gooooooood.

Wally: (Now disinterested.) Stop. No, no. You’re wasting my time.

Dickson: Okay, okay, let me try again.

Wally: Alright. (Pause.) And flex!

Dickson: Ahhhhhhhh!

(Wally takes the photo.)

Wally: Good, good. That came out great. Now let me take the memory card out of the camera, and plug it into the computer.

Scene 2: Wally’s BF.

Later that Evening, Isadora knocks on the door. She is Wally’s best friend, and differs from the rest of the fag hags, heterosexual women that spend way too much time with their homosexual guy friend. Her hair is light brown, and she is wearing a black dress with black pantyhose, and a light green top very elegantly refined to match her disposition. Out of all of Wally’s friends she seems to be the most optimistic. She is not a smoker, however does drink on occasion, but again is not as uncontrolled as the rest of the women Wally is friends with. Wally is glad to see her.

The sun is setting with the aegis of Apollo, and the whole cement city is bustling outside with thaumaturgy getting ready for the weekend rituals with the flashing red and green street lights directing the traffic home before going to parties, bars, or clubs. There is a sense of relief in the air, not happiness, but rather the satisfaction of five workdays done, and at least two good days to go out and try to have a goodtime.

Isadora: Hello! (Ten seconds go pass.) Wally! Wally Coxswain, are you there?

Wally: (Coming to the door.) Yes, yes. (He opens the door.) Well hello Isadora Montgomery! You look marvelous!

(They hug.)

Isadora: Thanks. How have you been Wally?

Wally: I’m good, so how are things?

Isadora: I was walking past your place, and decided that I’d surprise you. Are you going out tonight?

Wally: Yes, I’m just helping my brother with his Facebook profile.

Isadora: He doesn’t have a Facebook? Everybody has a Facebook. Why doesn’t he go out?

Wally: He’s at the liquor store. He’ll be drunk by nine o’clock.

Isadora: (Her facial expression becomes an amalgamation of disgust and pity.) Oh. That’s sad. (She shakes her head back and forth.) Doesn’t he have a life?

Wally: That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to help him out with. Here his profile is almost done.

Isadora: Let me see!

(They walk over to the computer.)

Wally: Here! This is the profile I’ve created.

Isadora: Dickson Coxswain. (Astonished.) I didn’t know he was that ripped. Hey, he looks good!

Wally: He’s not, I Adobe “Photoshoped” it.

Isadora: I thought he had a hairy chest.

Wally: I made him shave it. No, chest hair is just not attractive. The silky smooth and sexy look is much better.

Isadora: Some women like hairy chests.

Wally: Yeah, if they were from the seventies or are Mexican.

Isadora: Hey, I’m from Brazil.

Wally: That’s not Mexican darling. (Pause.) Here it’s almost complete; I’m just about to officially post his profile. (He clicks the keyboard enter button.) There it’s done! Now all we have to do is wait.

Isadora: Wait, wait for what?

Wally: We have to wait until women start friend requesting and messaging him.

Isadora: Don’t you want to message them.

Wally: I guess we could give it a shot.

(Isadora’s iPhone rings!)

Isadora: Hello! (A five second pause.) Oh hi! I’m at Wally’s. Yeah, I was seeing if he’s going out.

Wally: (Said very quietly as to not interrupt her.) Wwwwhhhhoooo issss itttt?

Isadora: (She takes her head away from her phone, replying to Wally in the same quiet non-interruptive manner.) It’s Esther- she’s with Francine, and Jahnavi. (Now placing the phone next to her ear again.) You’re going out tonight to the club. Of course I want to come. No, I don’t need to change; I’ve got my outfit on already. (Five second pause.) You want me to ask if Wally wants to come? One second. (Now to Wally.) Wally do you want to come out with the girls?

Wally: Well I’d love to. Ask them if they want to come and pregame over here.

Isadora: (Still on the phone.) You guys up for a little pregame at Wally’s? Hell yeah. Okay, see you when you get here. Bye. (The phone call is through, and she put her iPhone back in her pocketbook.)

Wally: Oh my God, when are they coming?

Isadora: There’re just passing a few blocks away, and should be here shortly.

Wally: (He walks over to his the kitchen.) Fabulous, thank God I’m always prepared. (Picking up a bottle of liquor from the countertop.) I’ve got the good stuff. I also made some Jell-o shots. They’re in the fridge.

Isadora: Wally!

Wally: (Opening the refrigerator.) Don’t worry, they’re sugar free!

Isadora: Wait, do you think Dickson will mind?

Wally: I almost forgot. I don’t want him embarrassing me.

Isadora: That’s not very nice.

Wally: Hmm, let me think. We’ll just have to hope that he doesn’t make any social faux pas.

Isadora: Weren’t we helping him with his Facebook profile?

Wally: Yes. Now where was I? I was going to message some women for him. (Stops.) Wait! Look! He’s got a message. Wait until he sees.

Isadora: Well you “Photoshoped” his picture enough.

Wally: That’s what they do in all the magazines and giant advertisements you know. I just changed the background of the scene, it’s not like I airbrushed it or anything.

Isadora: Then has he been hitting the gym?

Wally: No I just had him do some pushups and sit ups before I took the photo.

Isadora: Oh, never thought of that.

Wally: Yeah it worked well on Dickson, didn’t it?

Isadora: Yeah.

(There is a knock on the door. The rest of Wally’s fag hags arrive. It is Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi that form a coterie. They are smokers. And love to drink. They are all in black skirts, and revealing outfits for the purpose of getting some action for the night. There language is very matter of fact, and they get to the point quickly, and are very blunt. Esther is outgoing, Francine is opinionated, and Jahnavi is somewhat quiet.)

Wally: Oh it’s them!

Isadora: I’ll get the door. (She opens the door very enthusiastically.) Hi! Come on in!

(In walk the entourage. They often talk in unison.)

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Hello Isadora! Hi Wally!

Wally: (Suavely.) Well hello girls! I hope you are up for a little pregame Esther Watkins, Francine Melvin, and Jahnavi Perkins?

Isadora: I’ll make Long Island Ice Teas!

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Sounds great!

Wally: (To Isadora.) Darling, don’t forget the Jell-o shots! (Now to Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi.) Why don’t you three sit down on the couch? Make yourself comfortable!

Isadora: Wally was helping his brother Dickson with his Facebook profile!

Wally: Yes he’s already got a message.

Isadora: That’s so cute of you helping out your brother Wally!

Wally: Oh, thank you.

Isadora: It’s too bad he has to use it to get laid though. That’s said!

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Yeah! (They laugh.)

Isadora: What’s wrong with him! Why doesn’t he have any friends?

Wally: That’s because he’s a loser!

Isadora: You don’t mean that.

Wally: Actually, yes I do.

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: (They laugh.) Ha ha ha ha!

Wally: No, it’s actually not that bad. He’s got one friend.

Isadora: Really?

Wally: Yes his Kentucky Straight Bourbon!

Isadora: That’s sad!

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: (They laugh.) Ha ha ha ha.

Wally: It’s been a longtime sense he’s gotten any action. He hasn’t gotten laid in a long time.

Isadora: Oh come on Wally!

Wally: No, it’s been years.

Isadora: Well that’s why you’re creating this profile for him, right?

Wally: Yes, I’m a good brother, aren’t I!

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Awe!

Wally: Hmm, he’s going to be home soon.

Isadora: Here girls, the drinks are finished. (She hands them the mixed drinks.)

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: (They laugh.) Ha ha ha ha!

Wally: Hey, what a pathetic loser!

Isadora: You don’t mean that.

Wally: You know he doesn’t wear deodorant.

Isadora: No?

Wally: Completely just overlooks that after he comes out of the shower I guess. I’ve tried to recommend it to him several times, but I guess he thinks that he doesn’t need it. Funny huh, everyone knows that you have to wear deodorant. Personally, I use Old Spice myself. The original sent of course. Sometimes I use it combination with Axe Body spray. I’m not saying that he has to use the body spray- I’m just saying that he should use at least something. Some people also put on cologne afterward, Armani Code is nice.

Isadora: You don’t want to put on too much cologne though.

Wally: Right, and then after not wearing deodorant or aftershave, he’ll go and wear way too much cologne.

Isadora: Huh.

Wally: Yeah you know they sometimes complain about that at his job- one of his coworkers. She says it’s offensive to her, because she has allergies. Can you imagine? How can you smell too good! It’s not like he complains about her being overweight. Excuse me, miss, yeah your offending me over there with your two double Whoppers. I really don’t think you needed a large fry and onion ring with that.

Isadora: Wally, making fun of fat people isn’t nice.

Wally: Yeah, but it makes me feel better about the whole situation though.

Isadora: That’s not nice!

Wally: Neither is making fun of my alcoholic brother.

Isadora: Having a drinking problem isn’t funny.

Wally: Or the fact that he hasn’t gotten laid in a while either.

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: (They laugh.) Poor guy!

Wally: Yeah, then he complains about everything too. I have problems to- you don’t see me bitching about them.

Isadora: In this life you have to take action.

Wally: Yes, and action is precisely what we’re trying to help him get.

Scene 3. The Pregame.

From outside Dickson is approaching the apartment. Left with a couple of days of rest, he plans on drinking heavily both Friday and Saturday nights of the weekend. There is a bit of a troubled lost poet in his step. It’s like he has just been defeated by life one too many times, and as a result he looks down at the whiskey glass for an escape, finding a constant, reliable comforting friend that in the end only depresses him more. Indeed instead of confronting his problems or addressing things in his life, Dickson like many in his position of life, instead finds solace in the forgetting, and temporary numbing that his poison offers, which is just a short lived lapse from a sense of burden. He has a brown bag with Kentucky Straight Bourbon in it. He walks very dignified. The walk that you’d expect from an editor that works in a publishing house.)

Dickson: (From outside the door.) Ah, finally home. Time to start drinking! (Wally opens the door and sees the mingling mirth of Wally, Isadora, and the rest of his fag hags, including Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi.) Wally, who are all these people?

Wally: Oh hello Dickson. The girls and I are just doing a little pregaming before we go out. They’re coming with me to the gay club. You know this is my friend Isadora, and these three are Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi. I had asked you if you wanted to come earlier, but you said you had plans.

Dickson: Actually, I’d thought you’d be gone before I got home.

Isadora: Oh hi Dickson! How are you?

Dickson: I’m fine Isadora, thank you.

Wally: I see you got your Kentucky Straight Bourbon. That’s your favorite drink, isn’t it?

Dickson: Yes.

Wally: Hey girls, do you want to go out for a smoke?

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Sure.

Isadora: Wally, it’s not good to smoke! Shame on you!

Wally: (Ignoring her.) Come on girls.

(Wally, Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi all exit to the balcony.)

Dickson: You’re not going to join them?

Isadora: No, I don’t smoke, and I hate second hand smoke. If you drink too much you might damage your liver, but smoking’s worse. If you smoke, you can get emphysema or lung cancer. You could suffocate to death, and not be able to breathe.

(Wally hears this and pokes his head out.)

Wally: Don’t think I didn’t hear that in there. Complaining about my smoking! And if you eat too much and are fat you can suffer from a stroke, and spend the rest of your life as an invalid. That’s just as bad a fate!

(Wally goes back to smoking with the three.)

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: (Heard from the balcony. They laugh.) Ha ha ha ha.

Dickson: Isadora, don’t listen to them. You’re right. Smoking cigarettes is really bad for you, and you’re right, second hand smoke is really bad too. Wally doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It would be much healthier to be a tad overweight than to be a chain smoker.

Isadora: So Wally told me that you two were making an online Facebook page for you? He was showing me it when you were gone, I mean, I hope you didn’t mind. He said he completed it, and you even got a message.

Dickson: It’s okay.

Isadora: It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

Dickson: I have a LinkedIn. I’ve never had a Facebook- it was Wally’s idea! I’m not even the slightest interested in it, I told him not to make it! (Pause. He stops himself.) Wait, you said I got a message?

Isadora: Yeah! Let’s open it and see who it’s from.

Dickson: Sure.

(They walk over to the computer.)

Isadora: Facebook isn’t just for dating you know. It’s also for friends and family. You look really ripped in your profile picture by the way.

Dickson: You don’t even know the half of it. Wally had me do an elaborate warm up.

Isadora: He said.

Dickson: Okay, so let’s see who this message is from.

Isadora: Yvonne Ennis.

Dickson: So let’s see, she says she likes my profile, and wants to text.

Isadora: She left her number. You should text her.

Dickson: Well, maybe I’ll do it later.

Isadora: No, no you should do it now!

Dickson: What should I say?

Isadora: You should say, “Hello, it’s me Dickson!”

Dickson: I guess that would work. Okay, okay, I’ll do it.

(He takes out his phone.)

Isadora: You only have a flip phone?

Dickson: I really don’t use my phone all that much, so I never bought a Blackberry. Anyway, here goes. (He looks down at the antiquated phone.) I’ll write, “Hi it’s me, Dickson!” (He sends the text.) Hey, I didn’t even bother to look at her profile. Let me see her page. (Now he becomes very sly.) She’s smoking! I wonder if…

(His phone beeps.)

She messaged me back.

Isadora: Wait, wait, what did she say?

Dickson: “Hello handsome!”

Isadora: (She shoves his shoulder.) Way to go!

Dickson: Let’s look more at her profile. It says she’s a doctor! She works at Scribbs hospital in La Jolla, California.

Isadora: Huh, go figure.

Dickson: Finally, a woman that is smart, intellectual, and oh my God is she hot. I wouldn’t mind hitting that.

Isadora: I’m happy for you.

Dickson: I don’t know what to say. I’m without words. This was Wally’s idea, I’m sure he’ll rub it in, and take all the credit, but it’s about time I’m recognized as being a good looking sharp guy. In fact, I’m more than sharp. At times, I must admit, I can be brilliant. All this time I’ve thought that I’d never find someone that I can connect with, and here she drops out of the sky. Albeit, she may live on the other side of the country, but I’m sure we could work things out despite the distance.

Isadora: You have to text her back.

Dickson: What should I send?

Isadora: Why don’t you ask her how her day was?

Dickson: Okay. (He texts another message.)

Isadora: You have to keep the conversation going.

Dickson: I’m new at this. I really don’t text all that much. Most of my conversations at work are carried out through e-mail.

(Dickson’s phone beeps.)

Isadora: Another message! Open it.

Dickson: (Looking at his phone.) There’s a face with a wink. What does that mean?

Isadora: It means she likes you.

Dickson: Huh, Dr. Yvonne Ennis.

Isadora: I wonder what nationality that is. It sounds European?

Dickson: It comes from the Irish word Inis meaning island.

Isadora: So she’s Irish?

Dickson: I’ll ask.

Isadora: You’ll have to thank your brother.

Dickson: I’m sure he’ll take all the credit for it. But Yvonne found my profile based on me. It’s about time I start getting the attention I deserve.

Isadora: Oh please.

Dickson: No, so often I’m ignored around here. Wally is the only one who seems to get attention. Look at him out there. Smoking his cigarette and drinking his Long Island Ice Tea with the three of them.

Isadora: You sound a little jealous.

Dickson: Of course I’m jealous. Where ever he goes, he’s surrounded by beautiful looking women.

Isadora: That’s because he’s gay Dickson. That’d be like you hanging out with our guy friends.

Dickson: He has his own dilemmas.

Isadora: What do you mean?

Dickson: You mean he hasn’t told you.

Isadora: No, what?

Dickson: Maybe then I shouldn’t tell you. I don’t want to talk behind his back or anything. On second thought, what the hell! Wally has been complaining lately.

Isadora: About what?

Dickson: Wally can’t find a gay man that doesn’t act like a flaming queen.

Isadora: What’s that supposed to mean?

Dickson: Wally is attracted to masculine men that act like men. When he goes out to these gay clubs, all he meets are men that act feminine.

Isadora: I thought all gay men act feminine.

Dickson: Apparently not. He wants a man that is masculine.

Isadora: A straight man.

Dickson: You’ve got me, I don’t understand it. Maybe he can tell you.

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: (Heard from the balcony. They laugh.) Ha ha ha ha.

Isadora: Awe, poor Wally.

Dickson: Sure, look at him out there smoking. Whatever his problem, it doesn’t seem that he minds too much.

Isadora: I’m sure us girls can help!

Dickson: He’ll be pissed that I told you.

Isadora: No it’s good you did, so we can resolve this.

Dickson: What are you going to do?

Isadora: We’re going to have to help him find a masculine man.

Dickson: And how do you plan to do that, being that most masculine men are straight.

Isadora: This does seem to be a dilemma.

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: (Heard from the balcony. They laugh.) Ha ha ha ha.

Dickson: Only if you had some sort of bait.

Isadora: Bait?

Dickson: Yes, you know something to lure in the catch.

Isadora: Like fishing?

Dickson: Bingo!

Isadora: I don’t know? You’re a guy. What do guys like?

Dickson: No, that’s not the question we should be asking here, we should be asking, what do women like?

Isadora: What do you mean?

Dickson: Guys like women with big boobs, long hair, and perfume.

Isadora: I’m confused.

Dickson: Wally’s gay, the question we should be asking is what do gay men like, in other words, what do straight women like?

Isadora: Oh, I see.

Dickson: So you tell me.

Isadora: Women like men that… Is this a trick question?

Dickson: This reverts back to a conversation I was having with Wally earlier. Wally taught me that women like men that have short hair cuts and have big muscles, like WWE wresters.

Isadora: Well that’s definitely true!

Dickson: So maybe if Wally indeed wears a tight shirt it will make him look like he has bigger muscles.

Isadora: Well that’s not all that women like.

Dickson: Oh of course, I forgot, women like men that have money.

Isadora: Yes that’s true too. But there’s more.

Dickson: What, what? Now you’re really confusing me, just when I thought I had everything figured out clear cut. Oh no wait, I’ve got it.

Isadora: What?

Dickson: Women like men that treat them like complete crap!

Isadora: Well if a guy is too good then he’s not interesting. But no, women don’t like men that treat them like crap- they like guys that treat them like a princess even if they don’t have a lot of money. Money isn’t everything.

(Wally comes back in with Esther, Francine, Jahnavi.)

Wally: (Overhearing the last part of the conversation.) What a bunch of crap that is!

Dickson: There’re are unhappy rich guys!

Wally: You do have a point there, but that’s because they’re not spending their money on the right things.

Isadora: Wally!

Wally: Yes?

Isadora: And don’t think I don’t know about you little dilemma!

Wally: (Looking at Dickson.) You son of a bitch! Well I’ll have you know he eats cough drops like candies, and still wets the “frickin” bed!

Isadora: (Looking at Dickson in disgust.) Cough drops aren’t candies! You wet the bed?

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Ewwww!

Dickson: (Enraged.) You bastard! (Pause.) I also throw up in the bathroom. There all my secrets are out!

Isadora: (Goes over to hug Wally.) Don’t worry! We’ll help you find a masculine man!

Wally: Well… Thank you… It would mean a lot!

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Awwww!

(Dickson walks over to his Kentucky Straight Bourbon and picks up the bottle.)

Dickson: Screw this! I’m getting drunk.

(Curtain.)

Scene 4. Cocktail Party at the Coxswains’.

Out on the Balcony Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi are looking down at the city smoking cigarettes, and drinking Long Islands Ice Teas. The evening is now here, and the full yellow moon is out shinning on the nightlife of the city. Its wintertime and the smokers still find their ways outside to engage in a habit that they know is expensive and bad for them. The balcony is strongly supported and cemented to the building, and offers a nice escape from the inside of the apartment for the smokers. They enjoy taking drags from their cigarettes, and with a false sense of relief from there stresses, their addictions, the need for more nicotine to prevent them from getting a headache or anxiety that not having the drug will induce, offers an excuse so that they have a place to go to sordidly socialize and talk. And with a drink in one hand, and a cigarette in the other, the world is doused in perfume and cologne, ephemeral designer clothes, and gossip. It has started to flurry!

Esther: Look it’s started to snow.

Francine: Esther, no shit! Can you believe Dickson still wets the bed?

Jahnavi: How “fricken” pathetic! What a loser!

Esther: Oh I think he’s kind of cute!

Francine: Look at him in there. He’s sitting on the computer Facebooking, drinking his Kentucky Straight Bourbon.

Esther: Yeah, the poor guy hasn’t gotten laid in a while.

Francine: A while, according to Wally, it’s been more like a decade.

Esther: Isadora is in there talking to Wally. What a “fricken” bitch she is, trying to pry into everybody’s business. I don’t understand his problem anyway. All gay guys act feminine- he’s looking for something impossible.

Francine: I disagree, I totally understand his problem.

Esther: He’s a gay guy trying to find a straight man. Straight men don’t like gay guys.

Francine: No. He’s making sense. Wally is attracted to men. Not men that act like women.

Jahnavi: Gay men seem to play up that there gay by acting more feminine.

Francine: That’s not true, not all of them.

Esther: Shut up! Yes they do! Jahnavi is right!

Francine: Screw you both! Whatever.

Esther: Look at Wally’s pink shirt!

Francine: I can’t even “fricken” believe that.

Esther: What do you think Dickson and this Yvonne are talking about online?

Francine: Who cares! Maybe there talking about how big his dick is?

Jahnavi: You know men always lie about that.

Francine: Then they have a hard time getting it up when they drink too much.

Esther: So do you think that’s why Dickson can’t get laid? He gets “whiskey dick”!

Francine: No I just think he’s a dweeb.

Esther: I’ve a feeling he could keep it up. Maybe he just needs to get stoned.

Francine: There’s nothing like a little marijuana before sex.

Jahnavi: Yeah but this onetime I was with this guy that was stoned, and he had the never ending erection.

Esther: (Laughs.) What do you mean?

Jahnavi: He staid hard for over an hour.

Esther: How many times did you orgasm?

Jahnavi: At least ten. But it became a problem.

Francine: Bitch, you’re complaining about a guy that lasted over an hour?

Jahnavi: Then when he came it was like a “fricken” shotgun went off!

Esther: I wish I had a man that could go over an hour.

Francine: Maybe you should try to fuck Dickson?

Esther: (Using the up to date lexicon of abbreviations.) Why do you think he’s DTF?

Jahnavi: (Spelling out her philology.) “Down to Fuck!”

Esther: Hmm, I bet he could go over an hour.

Francine: Ha, more like less than thirty seconds.

Esther: He seems totally wrapped up in text messaging this Yvonne.

Francine: Yeah with Yvonne Ennis.

Esther: Does something sound a little strange about that name, or is it just me?

Francine: Why do you think it sounds gay?

Esther: Something’s not right about it.

Jahnavi: Kind of like when a loaf of bread has gone bad, but you haven’t realized it until you take a bite, and find out it tastes sour, and has gone bad.

Francine: Yeah like when you spit out a guys cum after giving him a blowjob.

Esther: You spit, I swallow.

Francine: You would.

Jahnavi: Esther, you swallow?

Esther: I always think it makes a guy feel better.

Francine: I don’t believe you.

Esther: Yeah, guys seem to get really down if they haven’t been laid in a while. Just look at poor Dickson in there. He’s drinking too much, because he just needs a little action.

Francine: He drinks too much, because he’s a “fricken” alcoholic.

Esther: You should talk.

Francine: Shut up bitch!

Esther: What’s your problem?

Jahnavi: Just calm the fuck down alright. Here, have another cigarette.

(Jahnavi hands Esther and Francine both cigarettes.)

Francine: We shouldn’t really fight.

Jahnavi: Now that’s better!

Esther: Yeah, you’re right.

Francine: So we’ll have to try to help Wally out tonight.

Esther: What do you have in mind?

Francine: When we all go out to the club, we’ll have to be on the lookout for a masculine behaving gay man.

Esther: Sounds like a plan!

(Wally starts to walk out towards the balcony.)

Wally: Oooo look it’s snowing! So are you girls having a good time?

Esther: Yeah Wally, thanks for the drinks.

Wally: Good I’m glad.

(Wally takes out a cigarette and lights it.)

Esther: So when are we going out?

Wally: Isadora and I have been talking in there, and we thought we’d leave in about an hour.

Francine: Sounds good.

Esther: Yeah the club opens at eleven o’clock.

Wally: So you guys are going to help me out.

Francine: We’re going to do the best we can.

Esther: Wally you always seem to go for men that are much taller than you.

Wally: I like my men tall and jacked, a man with some meat on his bones.

Esther: I see.

Wally: I can’t tell you how many gay men I’ve met that are way underweight. Like six two and one hundred and twenty pounds. That’s just too thin.

Francine: I like my men big too, with big penises.

Wally: I’m not a bottom. I’m not a penis person. I don’t want to be ripped to shreds.

Esther: Wait, what’s a bottom?

Wally: A bottom is someone who takes it, and a top is someone who gives it.

Francine: Up the ass?

Wally: Yes. I’m not a bottom. I’m a top.

Esther: So you’re the masculine one?

Wally: No, we gays differ from you heterosexual couples in that there isn’t really a masculine or feminine party, gay men don’t have the same relationship that heterosexual couples have.

Francine: Wally darling, what do you mean?

Wally: (Now elucidating his point.) Gay men are like a great dame and Doberman pincher that growl at each other.

Francine: Interesting.

Esther: I always thought there was a masculine and feminine part of the relationship.

Wally: No it’s more like two masculine dogs barking at each other.

Jahnavi: See you learn something new every day.

Wally: Jahnavi you’ve been quiet tonight.

Jahnavi: Well before you came out here I was trying to keep Esther and Francine from bitching at each other.

Wally: And what were you guys bitching about?

Esther: Nothing I guess.

Francine: So you’re not a bottom Wally?

Wally: Definitely not! I’m a top.

Francine: How does that work anyway?

Wally: Now that you mention it, last weekend I had this guy trying to pelvic thrust my butt.

Francine: With your cloths on?

Wally: Yes, so I told him I wasn’t a bottom, and then I tried to top him, and he told me he wasn’t a bottom, especially for someone that is over a foot shorter than him, and weighs less than fifty pounds than him, so he deleted me on Facebook.

Francine: Huh.

Esther: So how are we going to help you with your problem here?

Wally: I don’t know really. I helped my brother Dickson with his problem of finding a woman- see him in there; he’s text messaging her right now.

Esther: We have to find you a masculine man that is tall jacked, and that will bottom for you.

Wally: Well that would be helpful. So what were you guys talking about before I got here?

Francine: Esther swallows, but I don’t.

Wally: I see. Personally, I would never give a guy a blowjob.

Esther: What’s the longest you’ve had a guy go before he’s popped? Or what’s the longest you’ve gone before you’ve popped?

Wally: Hmm, I see we’re having an insightful conversation here. The longest I’ve had a guy go was half an hour, and the longest I’ve gone is about the same.

Francine: Jahnavi says she’s had a guy go over an hour.

Wally: Wow that must have been some shotgun blast that went off after that. How about Jahnavi, what do you think about all of this? Are you enjoying your Long Island Ice Tea over there?

Esther: Yes thank you. Hmm, I don’t think I’ve had a guy go for more than a half hour either.

Wally: So Jahnavi, who was this guy that went over an hour? How long ago did this happen?

Jahnavi: It happened a few years ago. It involved marijuana.

Wally: I never thought marijuana would make you hold it longer, I always thought it just made you disinterested in general.

Francine: Yes, thank you. I think she’s lying.

Esther: Shut up bitch.

Jahnavi: See this is where we left off.

Wally: My fag hags are fighting. How delightful. I hope you guys are having a good time. Isadora is in there, and she’s having a good time.

Jahnavi: Yes, we’re having a good time Wally. Esther and Francine always bicker.

Wally: It wouldn’t be the same without your bantering.

Scene 5. Back Inside.

This scene gives the perspective of what’s going on inside the apartment while the rest are perniciously drinking and smoking cigarettes out on the balcony. Dickson is bereft, deeply affected by his “limerence”, and cannot help the obsession that has formed for Yvonne.

Isadora: Dickson your phone has been constantly beeping? What have you guys been talking about?

Dickson: I’ve been talking with Yvonne. It’s been going great.

Isadora: Why don’t you try to call her?

Dickson: You mean go the next step.

Isadora: Yeah, you guys should talk, give her a call.

Dickson: Okay, I’ll do it.

(Dickson opens up Microsoft Word.)

Isadora: Wait, what are you doing?

Dickson: I’m writing what I’ll say just in case she doesn’t pick up the phone, and I have to leave her a message.

Isadora: What? You can’t just come up with a message out of the top of your head?

Dickson: (Answering her diffidently.) No. I’ll get nervous, and stutter or something.

Isadora: Okay.

Dickson: (He picks up his phone.) I’m calling her. (Eight second pause, and then Dickson reads from his computer.) Hello Yvonne, it’s Dickson- hope you’re having a good weekend- give me a call back when you get a chance. Bye.

Isadora: What? She didn’t pick up.

Dickson: Maybe she was in the bathroom or something.

Isadora: That’s strange! You’ve been texting her all night, and she doesn’t pick up the phone when you call her. Call her again!

Dickson: I just called; I’ll try back in a bit. I don’t want to come off as a creeper.

Isadora: I don’t know Dickson, she’s coming off like a creeper to me, not picking up her phone, after you guys have been texting each other all night.

Dickson: Aren’t you guys going to leave for the club soon?

Isadora: Yeah, Wally’s out there again, smoking with Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi.

Dickson: I’m really starting to get a crush on this woman.

Isadora: How can you have a crush on someone you’ve never met?

Dickson: I don’t know, I can’t explain it really. You know I’ve read about this. I’m having a “limerence.”

Isadora: And just what exactly is a “limerence”?

Dickson: It is a term coined circa 1977 by psychologist Dorothy Tennove. It’s like an infatuation. It’s when you are obsessed with someone, but not on the person, more like a fantasy, a fictional projection of an idealization. There are real physiological symptoms too, and the person suffering experiences a loss in serotonin, and actually feels heartache, and can shake when coming into contact with the “limerent” subject.

Isadora: How much whiskey have you had tonight Dickson? Alcoholics can have drinking tremors.

Dickson: No, I’m making sense. The only way to break a “limerence” is to shatter the fiction.

Isadora: You mean realize that the person you think they are isn’t who they really are?

Dickson: Exactly. The human race is meant to procreate, and this is just a part of being human. Everybody has infatuations, and when they become disillusioned by them, they just refocus and find someone else to have a crush on.

Isadora: You know this is really starting to make sense. I had a crush on this guy three months ago, and now it’s gone away, but it always seems to happen every once in a while.

Dickson: Yes, when people fantasize about someone, it’s almost always very far removed from how the person they’re dreaming about is in real life.

Isadora: But if they were like that in real life that would be love at first sight right?

Dickson: I suppose so. But “limerences” are a serious thing. Unrequited love can drive people to suicide, or do rash things, and can create delusional thinking, like she only had me arrested because she was proving her love for me, or if I just cut off my ear, that will make her love me.

Isadora: I never thought of it that way. Vincent van Gough cut off his ear, because he fell in love with a prostitute.

Dickson: Something like that. He eventually killed himself too.

Isadora: This is getting way too morbid for me, the weekend is supposed to be about having fun.

Dickson: You’re right.

Isadora: So what you need to do is talk to her Dickson. You’re reading way too much into it. How can you fall for someone you’ve never met or even talked to on the phone? It all sounds a little too weird if you ask me.

Dickson: I need to talk to her. I’ll try calling again.

Isadora: Good idea.

Dickson: This time if she doesn’t answer I’m not going to leave a message, because I left one last time.

Isadora: Sounds like a plan.

(Dickson picks up the phone again and calls Yvonne.)

Dickson: (There is an eight second pause.) Damn, she’s not picking up. There I hung up before the voicemail beeped to leave a message.

Isadora: Go figure.

Dickson: What do I do now?

Isadora: You can give her another call later on, or you’ll have to wait until she gets back to you.

(Dickson’s phone beeps.)

Dickson: It’s her, she texted me. She said she can’t talk now.

Isadora: This is getting stranger. She can text you back, but she can’t pick up her phone.

Dickson: Maybe it’s love at first sight!

Isadora: You’ve never seen her though.

Dickson: Maybe she’s the one person in the universe that I’m meant to be with!

Isadora: I seriously doubt that.

Dickson: You mean you don’t think that we’re all meant to be with just one person.

Isadora: No, I don’t.

Dickson: So you don’t believe in a soul mate?

Isadora: Wow, that’s just too deep. I think most people just want to go out and have a good time. They don’t think about it that much.

(Dickson’s phone beeps again.)

She sent you another message?

Dickson: She wants me to take a picture of my dick.

Isadora: What?

Dickson: Yes, and she wants to know how big it is.

Isadora: Well, how big is it?

Dickson: Excuse me?

Isadora: How many inches?

Dickson: I’m not pulling out a ruler and measuring it.

Isadora: Oh come on now, you mean to tell me you’ve never measured it? I find that hard to believe.

Dickson: Hard to believe or not, that’s just it, it depends if it’s hard or not. Actually the temperature is also a factor. If it’s cold out, it’s not too big.

Isadora: Just stubby.

Dickson: Not that bad, but you get the idea. It’s much bigger when it’s hard.

Isadora: Then you should give both sizes so she has a range.

Dickson: That’s absurd!

Isadora: No, that way Yvonne will have your penis range. (Pause.) You didn’t take steroids in the past or anything that decreased its size.

Dickson: No, I’ve never done steroids. I have made protein shakes from GMC, well actually Walmart, because it’s cheaper there. Yes and for the same product. Why should I feel ashamed about shopping there, why should I pay a dollar seventy eight for a two liter Diet Coke at the local supermarket when I can go to Walmart and pay just a dollar for the same product. Diet Coke is Diet Coke.

Isadora: So it’s small because you took steroids?

Dickson: No I’ve never done steroids. I do drink a lot of whiskey, and I have smoked a lot of marijuana in my life, but I’ve never done steroids.

Isadora: Does smoking marijuana make it bigger?

Dickson: You know I’m not sure. (Pause.) No actually marijuana decreases sexual drive. Not making it smaller, just making you desire sex less.

Isadora: Yeah, I’m not into smoking pot.

Dickson: It was a bad habit I kicked a long time ago.

Isadora: I thought your brother Wally said you smoked last weekend.

Dickson: Okay, so I smoke occasionally.

Isadora: You’re a little pot head aren’t you?

Dickson: No!

Isadora: Yes you are!

Dickson: Don’t spread it around though, I don’t want them knowing at work.

Isadora: Oh, all you publishers are the same. You all hit the bong in the office I bet.

Dickson: No, smoking bongs is not allowed at work, however sometimes we do go to a nice posh bar for lunch.

Isadora: You can’t lie to me Dickson. I’ve seen your little golden flask you carry around, and fill with whiskey.

(Wally, Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi all come in from the balcony with attitude. Drinking has increased Wally’s repartee.)

Wally: Okay so why are you all standing around like a bunch of morons?

Dickson: You’re the “fricken” moron Wally in that pink shirt that’s too tight!

Wally: So I see it’s not going well with the woman you met on Facebook.

Isadora: Actually it’s going pretty well.

Wally: What’s her name again?

Isadora: Yvonne Ennis.

Wally: Wow that sounds pretty gay to me. It’s going well. Way to go Dickson, I knew you wouldn’t live down the Coxswain family name. So is she DTF?

Isadora: Wally!

Wally: Oh come on bitch you know that’s what woman really want, a guy to talk to them dirty, and treat them rough. So what’s her voice sound like?

Dickson: Well actually I haven’t talked to her on the phone yet.

Wally: You mean you guys have just been texting?

Dickson: Yeah.

Wally: That is strange. How many times have you called her tonight?

Dickson: I’ve called her five times. But we’ve sent a total of three hundred text messages.

Wally: Wow that is strange!

Dickson: Shut up! I finally find someone I really clique with and you’ve got to put it down.

Wally: Sorry.

Dickson: I’m having a “limerence.”

Wally: What the hell is a “limerence”? You’re not coming out of the closet on me are you? You know how Dad took me being gay. No didn’t go over well at all. If I remember right he said, “I will not have a gay son!” Mom didn’t take it well either. She said, “you’re life will be so miserable.” They both sent me to a shrink, and then the shrink told them that there’s nothing wrong with being gay. Over the years Mom’s taken it better than Dad, she’s definitely gotten used to it, but they told me I’d have such a terrible life! You know the funny thing is they’re the ones that had the terrible life. Their marriage was thirty miserable years, until they finally divorced a few years ago.

(All the women hug Wally.)

Isadora: Wally you poor thing!

Wally: Dickson.

Dickson: Yes.

Wally: What the fuck is a “limerence”?

Isadora: He’s not gay Wally; it means he has a crush.

Wally: You have a crush on Yvonne! You’ve never met her, let alone talked with her, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Wow, you really are pathetic! (Pause.) No, no wait. I’m not being understanding enough. Dad and Mom were not understanding with me. Let me think, yes I’ve had crushes before too.

Dickson: A “limerence” is an infatuation on a fictionalized ideal notion of someone.

Wally: Yes, now I know what you mean. It’s when you make someone out to be what there are not. Look me and the girls have to get to the club. But how can we help?

Dickson: I’m afraid the only way to break a “limerence” is to shatter the idealized fantasy. In other words, get to know that person better, so you can see that they’re not who you are making them out to be.

Isadora: But what if they are like your fantasy?

Wally: Don’t make things more complicated honey, but that would be love at first sight.

Dickson: Hey, you guys are not helping! Building up my hopes is only making it worse.

Wally: You now this could be serious, Van Gogh had a “limerence” if I remember right and he cut off his ear. People do some pretty irrational things when it comes to love.

Isadora: You mean lust!

Dickson: Yes, truly loving someone calls for you to wish the best for them even if it doesn’t include you, and there is no reciprocation.

Wally: Sounds boring to me. She’s not DTF? If you can’t hit it and quit it, then move on!

Esther: I agree with Wally!

Dickson: It’s not that easy and you guys know it. Wally, it was just last month that you had a crush on some guy that you wouldn’t “fricken” shut up about! And Isadora, three months ago, you were all gaga about some guy that you met. And you Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi, well maybe you three can’t relate.

Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi: No we really can’t!

Dickson: I don’t suppose you three could, you all go through men like a fat man goes through whoppers at Burger King.

Wally: Actually I can’t remember one weekend where at least of the three had a one night stand.

Dickson: (Suffering with inanition.) Besides I can’t help how I feel. So here I sit waiting for a call back from this woman, and even if I’ve never met her, I can’t help how I feel. The thought of talking to her, let alone meeting her makes me shake.

Wally: And it’s not the alcohol related tremors?

Isadora: No, we’ve been over that.

Dickson: (Harrowingly.) The point is that I feel like absolute shit like I have the flu, and feel like I got kicked in the stomach. There’s no immediate cure, there’s no remedy, there’s no way to just stop thinking about it, and just focus on something else. I’m screwed, just fucking screwed!

Francine: So what are you going to do?

Dickson: (Having thought of the solution to this malaise.) I’m going to do the one thing that I always do when I feel like this.

Esther: And what’s that?

(Dickson walks over to his personalized liquor cabinet.)

Dickson: (Said very matter of fact.) I’m going to get stinking drunk.

Wally: Going to hit up your own personal liquor cabinet I see.

Dickson: Don’t get on my “fricken” case about it, alright. (Takes a shot of whiskey.) You and your fag hags have been drinking Long Island Ice Teas all night!

Wally: I wasn’t, I was going to ask if we could all do shots together.

Dickson: I can’t believe you’re celebrating. (Pause.) Sure why not, let’s drink to our oblivion.

Wally: Well, you drink to your own oblivion, and the girls and I will drink to it being the weekend!

(Dickson takes out five more shot glasses.)

Dickson: Okay what shall we drink- I know you don’t all like whiskey as much as I do.

Wally: Hmm, I’ve an idea, why don’t we all drink a shot of Vodka. That’s what I made the Jell-O shots with anyway.

Isadora: Sounds good, what do you think girls, is Vodka okay?

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Sure.

Dickson: It’s freezing outside, and it looks like it’s really starting to snow out there. This will warm us all up.

Wally: That’s not true! Despite perhaps feeling warmer from intoxication, alcohol actually decreases your core body temperature, and increases your risk of hypothermia.

Dickson: (Sardonically.) I don’t think any of us are going to freeze to death tonight Wally. (Pouring the drinks as if they were a panacea.) Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three!

(They all take a shot.)

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Yeah!

Wally: Okay, now that’s more like it. Everyone have a good time. (A moment goes by. Now in a sudden franticness.) Why can’t I find a man that doesn’t act like a queen?

Isadora: Wally? We’ll help you, come on let’s go. Are you girls ready?

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: Yeah, we’re ready.

Dickson: Okay, you have a good time.

(Wally, Isadora, Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi all exit.)

Dickson: (Realizing the ontology. His nature of being for the evening lies in the metaphysics of the aloneness in the existence of his room.) Alright, so it’s just me. Me and my liquor cabinet- maybe I should try to call Yvonne again? No, I’ll wait a bit. See Wally is in a straight man’s heaven. He is out with Isadora, Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi. He’s going out with four women. And they might even end up sleeping all in the same bed. But not having a “fivesome,” but having a girls’ slumber party. So here it is. I can’t get laid, and Wally can’t find a masculine gay man.

(Wally comes back onstage.)

Wally: Oh Dickson, you were talking to yourself again. You know drinking too much whiskey will do that! Anyway, I forgot my phone.

Dickson: I was just thinking out loud.

Wally: If that’s what you call it. I call it losing your mind.

(Wally picks up his phone from the countertop.)

Dickson: Have fun tonight huh.

Wally: I’ll try. I’ll be back tonight.

Dickson: Okay.

Wally: That is if I don’t get picked up by some stud.

Dickson: Have a good time.

(Wally exits and Dickson goes back to his liquor cabinet.)

Scene 6. Fight at the Club.

Esther, Francine, Jahnavi are all standing around at the club. The first part of the scene takes place in a gay club, and the second part of the scene takes place in a straight club. There scene is dark with the light shining on the people at the club. There are red, blue, and yellow lights flashing, and music is playing. Esther, Francine, Jahnavi are in club risqué attire.

Francine: Oh my God. Oh my God, look at all the sexy men!

Esther: Look at those two guys over there. They’re making out!

Francine: Wouldn’t mind to have their dicks in me.

Jahnavi: (Laughs.) Ha ha ha!

Esther: Do you think they’d come at once?

Francine: One would come first; they wouldn’t come at the same time.

Esther: Okay then, who could last the longest?

Francine: The one on the right!

Esther: Why do you say that?

Francine: Because if you look closely between the other one’s legs, you can see he’s already got an erection.

Esther: Wally is taking a long time in the bathroom.

Francine: He’s been in there like ten minutes.

Esther: Jahnavi, do you want to go see if he’s okay?

Jahnavi: You just want me to walk into the guy’s bathroom. (Pause.) Okay!

(Jahnavi exits to the bathroom.)

Francine: What the fuck is Wally doing so long in the bathroom?

Esther: I don’t know, he said he had something special in mind if he didn’t have any luck tonight.

Francine: We’ve been here for a couple of hours, and he still hasn’t been able to find any masculine gay men.

(Esther and Francine start to bandy their ideas.)

Esther: Perhaps what he’s trying to find doesn’t exist.

Francine: (Glib.) You mean all gay men act like queens.

Esther: (Stopping a moment, and now speaking with edification.) I think it does exit. In fact, I think the “queeny” thing is all an act. Men don’t act like women. Gay men just want to fit in with other gay men like at this gay club here. The whole feminine thing is over exaggerated. And personally, I think Wally is right, it’d be better if gay men just acted more like men, and less like women. Another problem we have here is Wally wants to be a top, but the men Wally finds attractive are at least a foot or two taller than him, and weigh somewhere well over a hundred pounds more than he does. He’s looking for a tall jacked meathead to be his bitch. (Pause.) Who am I to judge? Aren’t elephants scared of mice? Hey, things in this world always work in opposites. Maybe it would make sense that the mouse would be the top, and the elephant would be the bottom?

Francine: You know it’s all starting to make sense now.

Esther: I can’t believe Isadora.

Francine: She totally blew us off to go hangout with her other friends.

Esther: She said she might be back later.

Francine: Who cares?

Esther: I wonder how Dickson is doing.

Francine: What a “fricken” loser!

Esther: You really mean that?

Francine: Yes, I don’t understand his problem.

Esther: His problem is alcohol. He’s a good looking guy with a good job, he just drinks too much.

Francine: But even if he didn’t drink his problem would still be there.

Esther: And why is that?

Francine: It’s because he’s a Coxswain!

Esther: What do you mean by that?

Francine: Notice any similarities between Wally and Dickson?

Esther: Well they sort of look alike, I guess.

Francine: Both of them are unhappy for some reason.

Esther: Now that you mention it.

Francine: Look at both of their lives.

Esther: Okay.

Francine: Now do either of them have a problem. Both of them are employed, and have good jobs. Both of them are in good physical shape, and are attractive.

Esther: Otherwise we wouldn’t hangout with them, right?

Francine: Right. You see, the problems they have are all invented in their imaginations. A lot of people in the world have it far worse off than Dickson or Wally.

Esther: How so?

Francine: Well there are people living under the oppression of the rigged election of the Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, where being gay is against the law.

Esther: That’s very insightful Francine but aren’t gays not allowed to marry here in the United States?

Francine: They are allowed, but only in a few states.

Esther: Huh, you mean to tell me they even go and serve our country in the military, and then come back from war, risking their lives for our freedom, but they aren’t free to marry.

Francine: Okay, bad example. The people in North Korea under Kim Jong-un certainly have it worse.

Esther: But again. Even in the United States, gay people can’t marry in most states.

Francine: Okay, okay. People starving and diseased in Africa or Cambodia certainly have it worse off than Dickson or Wally.

Esther: You have a point there.

Francine: What I’m trying to say is the Dickson’s and Wally’s problems aren’t so bad.

Esther: Except for Wally.

Francine: You mean because gay people can’t marry in most states.

Esther: Well actually Dickson’s alcoholism is pretty bad too.

Francine: Okay, just forget my whole argument.

Esther: You mean there is no point.

Francine: Exactly.

Esther: Fuck my life.

Francine: Now what’s wrong?

Esther: I’m surrounded by all these attractive guys, watching them make out and grope each other, and none of them want to fuck me.

Francine: (Laughing.) Ha ha ha ha! That’s why Isadora bailed on us.

Esther: That bitch!

Francine: Okay, what’s taking Wally so long in the bathroom?

Esther: Jahnavi still hasn’t found him yet?

Francine: I hope she didn’t bail on us too.

Esther: I wonder what Dickson is up too.

(Back at the apartment, Dickson has had a few more drinks. His “limerence” has become enervating.)

Dickson: What am I supposed to do? This woman won’t talk to me on the phone. Something about this is altogether too strange. Wouldn’t a normal person just pick up the phone or call back? I don’t get it. Well, she is a doctor, and she is working at the hospital. She said in her text she’s going to visit. Or I could go and visit. This online dating has become more trouble than it’s worth. God dam the noise outside from the Friday night traffic. The music is also blaring from outside. And the neighbors upstairs must be having a party. I need some peace and quiet.

(There’s a knock at the door.)

Isadora: Hello Dickson!

Dickson: Yes, yes I’m here. What? Aren’t you supposed to be at the club with the rest of the crew?

Isadora: I was going home and I figured I’d checkup on you.

Dickson: Really, you mean to tell me, someone gives a fuck about me?

Isadora: Actually I forgot my pocketbook here earlier.

Dickson: (Looking around for it.) Oh. Where did you leave it?

Isadora: I think I left it accidentally in Wally’s room.

Dickson: Well feel free to go and check.

(Isadora goes into Wally’s room, and comes out with her pocket book.)

Isadora: I found it!

Dickson: Wait, how did you get into the club without your license?

Isadora: Actually I took it out, and just slipped it into my pocket along with my American Express.

Dickson: Why did you do that?

Isadora: I hate going into clubs carrying anything. This way I didn’t have to wait in line at the bag check.

Dickson: I see.

Isadora: Actually I was going to stop by tomorrow for it, but I wanted to see how you’re doing with Yvonne.

Dickson: Go figure! We still haven’t talked on the phone.

Isadora: Huh.

Dickson: Wait, no, I’ve got it! I’m going to reverse lookup her number.

Isadora: You can do that?

Dickson: Sure I can.

Isadora: That’s being a little “stalkerish.”

Dickson: I don’t think so. Information is public for a reason.

Isadora: I guess you’ve got a point.

Dickson: Oh my God!

Isadora: What?

Dickson: The phone doesn’t belong to any Yvonne!

Isadora: Well then who does it belong to?

Dickson: (Now aware of the mountebank.) It belongs to Timothy Dack!

Isadora: Maybe she’s going out with someone or possibly even married. Did you look her up on Facebook?

Dickson: That’s a great idea! I didn’t think of it. You know come to think of it, I do notice something strange about her profile.

Isadora: What’s that?

Dickson: She doesn’t have any female friends. All of her of friends are male bodybuilders. (There’s a sudden looks of nausea and terror realizing he’s been talking to a charlatan.)

Isadora: Dickson. You look sick!

Dickson: This is a fake profile. Awwww! I’ve been lured into a conversation with a gay man. (Dickson runs into the bathroom and can be heard vomiting very loud.)

Isadora: You drank too much! You know people create fake profiles all the time by stealing other people’s photos, and building a friends list.

(Dickson franticly comes out of the bathroom.)

Dickson: I can’t believe I fell for it! I sent her pictures of me in my underpants!

(Dickson goes back into the bathroom and vomits even louder.)

Isadora: (Now laughing.) Wow. Wait until Wally finds out.

(Now out of the bathroom again.)

Dickson: Wally. Wally! Wally!!! That son of a bitch! I’m going to fucking kill him!

Isadora: Why?

Dickson: This was his idea!

Isadora: I guess it’s better to meet people in person.

(Esther and Francine are standing around at a different club. It’s a regular straight club.)

Francine: I’m glad we decided to come to this straight club, and leave Wally back at the gay club we were at.

Esther: What a shitty night! I haven’t been able to find any men to have sex with tonight. Isadora texted me, and said she was supposed to meet us here.

Francine: Yeah, we were ditched by both Isadora and Jahnavi.

Esther: (Torrid.) Oh my God!

(Trying to make out the phenomenology of what is approaching Esther is now pointing in the direction of Jahnavi, who is walking with Wally, androgynously dressed in the semblance of woman.)

Francine: What?

Esther: It’s Jahnavi, and she’s with Wally dressed in drag!

Francine: Wally? What the fuck are you doing darling? And where have you been all night?

Wally: (Attempting to sound like a woman, and pretending to denounce the accusation as a mere calumny.) Wally? I’ve no idea what you’re talking about. (Now said in a whisper.) Shut up Francine, you’re going to blow my cover! (Again back in a spurious high pitched voice.) Hmm, I don’t believe we’ve met. My name is Lucia. Lucia Virginity!

Esther: (Laughing.) Wally, you think you’re going to lure a straight man with that get up. Francine and I have been here all night, and haven’t been able to pick up any men, what makes you think that you’ll have any luck!

Wally: Shut up bitch! You’re going to blow my cover! (Realizing his outburst.) Now this seems the only way that I’ll ever be able to pick up a masculine acting man.

Francine: Jahnavi, you’re going along with this?

Jahnavi: Why not?

Francine: Okay. I’m only going along with it, because it will never work in a million years.

Wally: Oh wait, here’s my chance. (A straight man appears in the club, and is standing by himself. Wally approaches the man.) Well hello!

Bobby: Hi. You all by yourself honey?

Wally: Yes.

Bobby: Can I buy you a drink?

Wally: Sure.

Bobby: What’s your name sweetheart?

Wally: My name is Lucia.

Bobby: Nice to meet you Lucia. What’s your last name?

Wally: Virginity. What’s your name?

Bobby: My name is Bobby Paterson. What kind of drink would you Lucia?

Wally: Oh, I’ll have a Long Island Ice Tea. That always seems to have the right amount of celestial ichor.

Bobby: Hold on, I’ll go and buy one at the bar.

(Bobby goes and buys the drink. Wally looks over to Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi.)

Francine: Way to go Lucia!

Esther: I can’t believe your encouraging him. How drunk is his guy that he can’t tell he’s hitting on a man?

Wally: Who cares, besides maybe he likes it?

Jahnavi: It seems the only way Wally can get a masculine man.

Esther: (Throwing her hands up in the air.) To disguise himself as a woman at a straight club.

Francine: Oh this is going to be good! Here he comes back!

(Bobby returns with a drink in his hand.)

Bobby: I got your drink.

Wally: Thanks. (Very flirtatiously.) Would you like to kiss?

Bobby: Come here baby.

(Before they kiss Bobby suddenly stops.)

Wally: What are you waiting for, come on hot stuff!

Bobby: Wait a minute you’ve got hair on your legs.

Wally: I’m French!

Bobby: Wait! Lucia Virginity, that name sounds phony! You’re not really a woman, you son of a bitch, you’re… you’re… you’re a… you’re a man! A man!

Wally: So I am. Oops! Well the cats out of the bag- somebody doesn’t want to “lose your virginity!”

Bobby: I’ll kill you!

Francine: Oh, this is going to be good.

Esther: Yup, it’s going to get violent.

Jahnavi: Wally you better look out.

(Bobby grabs Wally by the scruff of the neck, and begins to punch him repeatedly. Wally counters, gets out of the hold, and trips him. Bobby gets up and knocks Wally down, then proceeds to kick him repeatedly.)

Wally: Oooo, I’m starting to like this.

Bobby: You sick bastard. Who would do such a thing? Why did you pretend to dress like a woman?

Wally: Admit it, you liked it didn’t you?

Bobby: No, I didn’t!

(Bobby gets up and starts beating up Wally again.)

Wally: Ouch! Now that hurts!

Bobby: Good! You think that’s bad! Wait until I get through with you! You’re not going to be able to walk!

Francine: I feel bad for him, but he kind of deserves this.

Jahnavi: What do you mean? Poor Wally is going to get killed!

(Bobby again knocks Wally to the floor and starts kicking him. Then he starts to strangle him. Wally’s feet kick repeatedly.)

Bobby: It serves you right!

Wally: I’ll get out of this!

(Wally manages to break free from the grapple.)

Bobby: Get back here you little shit!

Wally: (Wally gets a chair.) How do you like this?

Bobby: No, no stop!

(Wally hits the man with a chair. Bobby is knocked unconscious.)

Wally: Now that he’s out I can have my way with him!

Francine: Wally, no you don’t, get your ass over here. We’re going home.

Wally: Not until I’ve topped this big piece of grade A meat.

(Esther begins to push Wally out of the club.)

Esther: No Wally I will not let you rape this straight guy and permanently traumatize him. Now you’re going to have to get on home.

Wally: Damn! But you’re right. I can’t do this. Alright, I’m going to call it a night girls. Bye!

(Wally exits.)

Bobby: (Now resuscitated, and aware; watching Wally leave the club.) Thank God!

Esther: Oh, it’s not over for you. I’m getting laid tonight if you like it or not!

Bobby: What?

(Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi pin Bobby on the floor.)

Bobby: (He screams at the top of his lungs.) Ah!

Esther: (Sordidly covering his mouth.) That’s right you know you like it. (Now addressing Francine and Jahnavi.) Let’s gang bang him girls! (She moans very loud.) Uh! Uh! Uh!

Francine: Oh I’m joining in. (Moaning.) Uh!!!

Jahnavi: Push over. Uh!!!

(The lights fade.)

Bobby: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Back at the apartment Dickson is sitting in his chair drinking Kentucky Straight Bourbon. Isadora is watching TV.)

Dickson: What a night.

Isadora: Let this be a lesson to be learned Dickson.

Dickson: And what’s that?

Isadora: People create all sorts of fake profiles on the internet.

Dickson: Yeah, I should have known better.

Isadora: Oh I think I hear Wally coming up the steps. (She gets up and opens the door.)

Dickson: That son of a bitch!

Wally: Hello Isadora! Dickson, what’s your problem?

(Dickson and Isadora stare at Wally in amazement.)

Dickson: What the fuck are you doing dressed in drag? And what are all those bruises on your face?

Wally: Oh it’s a long story.

Isadora: What happened?

Wally: I was at the gay club with the girls, and I just couldn’t find a masculine acting gay guy, so I decided to go to a straight club dressed in drag to see if I could lure in a heterosexual man.

Isadora: (Laughing.) And did it work?

Wally: Actually it did, but then the guy figured out I was actually a man.

Dickson: And then what happened?

Wally: We had a bar fight.

Isadora: Aw you poor thing!

Dickson: Wait, Wally tries to fuck a straight guy and you have sympathy for him. What happened to the straight man?

Wally: Oh, Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi are gang banging him.

(From offstage now Bobby, Esther, Francine, Jahnavi can be heard.)

Bobby: Aaaa, uh, aaaa, uh, aaaa!!!

Esther: Shut up and like it bitch!

Bobby: Stop please!

Francine: Uh, uh, uh!

Jahnavi: Who’s your Mommy?

Bobby: Aaaaaaaa!

(Dickson, Wally, and Isadora stair at each other in amazement.)

Dickson: So the guy ends up in a threesome with those three and he’s complaining?

Wally: Evidently they’re treating him rough.

Isadora: I’m going to join in!

(Isadora runs offstage.)

Dickson: (The weekend seems to always be espoused to this sort of unpropitious outcome.) Are you kidding me?

(From offstage again.)

Isadora: Time to get it up bitch!

Bobby: Aaaaaaaa!

(Dickson and Wally are really bewildered having somehow both falsely expected a serendipitous outcome.)

Dickson: And I suppose you’re going to go join in?

Wally: No, I couldn’t do it. It’d be wrong. He’s straight.

(Dickson pulls out his bag of cough drops, and takes one.)

Dickson: So you do have a conscience.

Wally: Still eating cough drops as candies I see. So what happened with Yvonne?

Dickson: Yvonne Ennis turned out to be “you want an anis!”

Wally: No kidding. Lucia Virginity turned out to be “lose your virginity.” So much for your “limerence”!

Dickson: Yes, all the while I thought I was talking to a beautiful woman, it turned out I was talking to a gay guy. I can’t believe it, I feel so violated. I can’t believe this whole time I was really talking to a man!

Wally: Not as violated at the man, Bobby Paterson, getting gang banged by Isadora, Esther, Francine, and Jahnavi. Yeah, you’ll get over it.

Isadora, Esther, Francine, Jahnavi: (All moaning in rapture.) Uhhhhhhhh!

Bobby: (In a terrifying scream from being ravaged by four women.) Aaaaaaaa!

Dickson: Fuck this! I’m sick of this crap. I’m going to the whorehouse!

(Curtain.)

THE END